| For all the other puppets. |
[May. 30th, 2007|11:11 am] |
It's funny...we say we'll never do something, or put ourselves in a particular situation ever again because the experience had when doing that something, or being in that situation made us feel horrible. Maybe not horrible, but made us feel things we'd never like to have to feel again. Yet...we do it again. We go back and we say things and do things that will put us in that same situation even though we know the outcome will not be good. Why do we do it though? If we've been through it before...Isn't that one of the great things about being human? We can learn from everything around us, and everything within us. We can learn and change and adapt and move on so we don't make that mistake again.
Than why is it that we do make that mistake and we put ourselves in a situation where we're going to be vulnerable and get hurt again? Perhaps because we want to believe in something more than the human joy of causing pain to others? That we'd rather believe love truely conquers all and mistakes can be forgiven if never forgotten? If we refuse to learn from our mistakes how can we expect another to not continue doing the same they always had? I guess we can't can we?
I guess that brings me to the next bit. On Letting go. Do we ever truly let go of someone we love? I don't think we do. I dont think it matters what another person does there will always be a part of you that will care for the person. The bond of love is a strong one. If lust can be mistaken for lust and be such a powerful emotion, I can believe love spans much more than lust. Love makes you crazy and it makes you do crazy things doens't it? I know I've done some crazy things in the pursuit of, and the attempt at keeping the thing called love. I've put up with some crazy shit, shit that I tend to forget until I'm angry. That's when it all comes bubbling back to the surface and I'm reminded of everything I dealt with and all the scars resurface to remind me of what and idiot I was then and how much of an idiot I'm being at the time. Before that though...it's like being blind. A dense fog covers the past mistakes and leaves gaping holes where the good can be seen. and that's all that can be seen. So we forget about the bad instead of searching through all that fog and we plow on through, knowing theres something in that murk that we should remember, but only the suspicous feeling of something being overlooked remains until we move on.
That's when the stupidity and mistakes start. By overlooking the past. We haven't forgotten entirely, it's just a little cloudy and takes time to find. We don't do it though. We don't look into that fog. Why don't we look though? Is it because we'd rather not remember? Or is it ignorance? Ignorance is bliss afterall isn't it? We'd rather not remember and know because we want so bad for everythign to just work out. We yearn for it and hope for it and nothing else matters. Nothing else matters until the stupidity and mistakes we'd seen last time, hidden in the fog, are slowly uncovered as it happens again and again and again. Each time another memory unclouded and remembered and other emotions begin bubbling up. Sadness...annoyance...depression...anger....hate. Oh yes....hate. By the time one has reached hate nothing is hidden anymore. Everythign is laid out before the naked eye and each incident is added on to the new ones and that's when everythign boils over. Hate...hate...hate! Everything comes out then. every little annoyance is flung at the person who created all those memories and you're pissed off like you've never been before. You shake and you just want to scream at the top of your lungs at the person and beat the ever loving piss out of them. For saying things they didn't mean. Of course they didn't mean they loved you or they wouldn't have done the same stupid things they did last time right? So of course they lied on top of everything. If they really loved you, they would've done things like you had. You never lied to them. You may not have been the most agreeable at all times, and you annoyed that person too but that was because they started it. they brought it on themself!
So every emotion you feel is brough into one when you talk to them next. Anger. Now is when the screaming starts. Everything the fog once hid, laid bare and thrown at them, like a dagger dipped in acid. You can tell which ones sting the most. Of course with every dagger the other throws back, you throw another and twist it deep in the gut. Guilt. A guilt soaked dagger right to the heart you throw and...nothing...no reaction. Nothing?! Why nothing?! That should've been the most satisfying of them all!! The reactions of the other turn from anger to...decency?! What's this? Still be friends?! The Audacity! How could they even think such a thing was possible at this point. so you throw another dagger and...the person takes it...no. doesn't take it. It's not satisfying anymore. You're not done being pissed off either, you've got plenty more to say. Now though...it's futile. The other found the only thing that can piss you off more than you've been pissing him/her off. Apathy. Now it's no fun anymore when you can't see the daggers make him/her twist and turn. Now..."you're no fun...you're like a blob of jelly, nothing sticks just plops in with an unsatisfying quiver." and it's over then. You're too pissed to think rationally enough to counter this and the person has won this round. In your mind anyway. The end result is all that really matters to the human mind As many good shots you might have gotten in, if you're not the one still standing it doesn't really count.
I've been through it all and I wonder how to break the cycle. You realize to him/her you're just a toy played with when it suits him/her. Some how...even that though does not allow all of you to realize it's enough and it needs to stop. Your mind has known since that first mistake, put it was pushed aside for a long time but now your mind makes no secret of telling you you're being retarded and you need to stop. your heart doesn't agree cause it needs love to survive. What are you without you're heart? Nothing better than the person who started it all. Your heart is what makes you you, and keeps you from being just like him/her. You need your heart. so what's the third part of you that's going to unite the mind in heart and cause the conviction you need to end it all once and for all? I'm not sure really. Perhaps it's not a part of you at all, but the heart of someone else is really the only thing that can save you from being his/her puppet. That's all you are...a puppet to be used for sheer amusement.
Now dear puppet it's time...dance puppet! DANCE! |
|
|
| Musing |
[Apr. 11th, 2007|01:06 pm] |
Life has been odd lately. Well not so odd I suppose. It just feels weird. Growing up and all that junk ya know? Things are happening fast and just moving right along around me. I'm stagnant and that does bother me but there's only so much I can do unfortunately. Now that the warm weather is finally coming I'll be out and about more often. I don't much care for the cold weather, makes me cold and sick and tired and lazy.
Back to my original point though. Things are moving fast around me. Jana's had her babies, Fe's had her baby, All the girls on my Dad's side have had at least one baby. Manda's engaged and going to get married in a little over a year, Ri recently got engaged as well. Dad's going to be getting married in June, Melissa and Jason have talked about it alot as well. Everyone's in college and finding their niches. Everyone's growing up, getting more serious, driving, have steady jobs going to college getting engaged and having babies. It's just so weird to be here. I remember turnpike with Melissa and all my other peoples. We were all little and had no worries and then onto middle school and meeting new people and then high school and now everyone's adults now. It's so strange to me. I knew it would happen some day of course it just feels odd.
I've lost contact with some people, met a few new people and it just feels so strange. I can't really explain it that well I guess. It's really strange with Jason...
We were engaged at one point. That seems strange to think about. In a rather short amount of time we've been through some damn crazy shit. If my mind isn't occupied it eventually turns to my future and Jason. Spring has said since before even meeting Jason that it wouldn't be anything but sex and he's an asshole. I'm not sure now though. We've been through a lot of shit and still are ok. I trust Spring of course but it's hard to blindly believe her. I never do that. I don't do the blind faith thing. I want to see or hear or touch it myself and know for sure or I more than likely won't believe it. Spring may be right, she may be wrong, she still says it to this day, over three years after meeting Jason and after all the shit we've all been through seperately and together. It's very possible one of these days Jason is going to go too far with something and I'll cut things off entirely. It's also very possible Jason gets tired of my hypocrisy and says fuck off. I do get pretty hypocritical and vindictive and I have my really bad moods too.
I guess my main point is while I get angry at Jason for drinking and doing stupid shit, then I go drink I'm a hypocrite. But bear in mind I drink with my family not friends, except for Melissa and her Jason. I've drank with a friend or two here and there over the years but those friends are generally at my house wiht me and my family or at my Uncle's house with me. I dont drink with people who I know I'm going to end up screwing around with.
I'm very territorial and I shouldn't be. I suppose I'll talk with Jason about that. It makes things odd sometimes too when Jason and I are angry with one another and I'm around a certain person. That and Jason and I are on and off so often sometimes it's hard to tell when we're together and when we're not. Officially right now we're not together but we still talk as if we are and he still wears the ring. The problem is the distance. 5 weeks apart, a few days together during the 6th week then back to school for 5 weeks again. It's hard ot have a relationship like that. We try to maintain some communication but I've been going to bed earlier and am usually asleep by the time he normally is around and I get pissy with him much more often. It's that trust issue. When he's sober I trust him but when he's not sober I don't. The only certain thing when one is drunk is stupidity. I don't claim perfection and I've done stupid things when I'm drunk as well but I limit my stupidity to family. I don't get high anymore at all, and I never drink with anyone but my family. It's difficult...ya know? When we're not together I shouldn't get territorial or worry about what he's doing at all but the way we talk it feels like we're together so it's hard.
I don't know if things will last. I get moody and so does he and we get bitter and sarcastic and down right mean to one another sometimes. We've been through so much though it's hard to think of us breaking up. I'm scared of finding someone new and going through all the motions again with a whole new person too. I don't wanna go through all that stuff all over again with the initial lust and then the fighting and arguing and bitterness and sarcasm and breaking up and getting back together. I don't want to go through it all again and get to know a new person and just...bleh. Then again maybe it won't be a new person and would be someone I already knew. I don't know. It's all very confusing and seems to just be a big ass circle of Fighting, breaking up, acting like we're together, getting back together, then getting angry and fighting and breaking up and all over again. I wonder if there's gonna be that one time were it's something so bad that we don't ever get back to feeling the way we did. I wonder if that does happen, what would be so bad that it would end us. Maybe it'll just be the endless fighting that eventually gets to be too much and ends us. Will we still be friends? Will we still love each other? I wonder what will happen to Jason then.
I know eventually I'll be ok if things do go downhill once and for all. I'll still have feelings for him but I know after our last bout that I'd be ok with not being with him. I have this feeling that t will be Spring that ends up breaking us up. I don't know if it'll be intentional or not but she does have the power to break us apart. I don't know if she knows or not, she probably does, but she has that power. I'm not sure what wil do it, or when or if. She seems to think it will definitely happen and we're just not right for one another. I wonder how long it would take for us to be civil to one another if things ended. I guess it depended on what it was that broke us up.
This got a lot longer than I originally anticipated. I've lost my train of thought now though thanks to little brother messing with the puppy and then arguing with me abou how old she is. I never want kids. I'll end things here. Comment if it tickles yer pickle. |
|
|
| The question |
[Aug. 23rd, 2006|09:17 pm] |
|
So...I popped the question on Jason today. Yes THE question. Ring and all. He asked if he could have some time. I understand this of course and told him of course he could. So I thought I'd just let yall know. |
|
|
| Birthday Request |
[Aug. 9th, 2006|11:48 am] |
|
So yes, today is indeed my 18th birthday. Hurray for me. I'm egal and can gamble and buy my own cancer. Big fuckin' deal. So I'm going to ask only two things of you guys on my birthday. That you get around to wishing me a Happy Birthday, and stop being against me for the next 24 hours!!! >. |
|
|
| The Boy |
[Aug. 1st, 2006|12:33 am] |
Do you ever sometimes have a day when you're just like "What the F*ck just happened?"? I have at least one of those days a month. Today was one of those days. Why? I won't get into detail but some things were said that were never said before. I sat outside rocking back and forth for ten minutes. Maybe more maybe less I'm not sure really. I was shaking and rocking and on the verge of crying. I don't cry much these days. Gods do I want to but the tears never come. I was closer today than I have been since December. December is when my Grandmother died and that's the last time I REALLY cried. The time I cried before that was a about a year from that time period. That time was because of my Mother, and I cried for a boy. I cried because I was afraid I'd never see him again. If you've heard or read my tale of running away you'd know how well I took to being told I'd never see him again.
Well here I am nearly crying over that boy again. Gods...Sometimes it just hurts...sometimes it's wonderful. It goes back and forth so much. I don't know. I'm ending here though. The rest is not for the public eye. It's between my friends and I. |
|
|
| Goodbye |
[Jul. 17th, 2006|04:34 am] |
|
I don't like goodbyes. No one does. But saying goodbye to someone you love...truly not of the fun. I think I may cry. Hell I might even cry when I'm done writing this and actually start reflecting on it. *Sighs* I hate this. First person I ever truly loved and off he's going. |
|
|
| Been a while |
[Jul. 13th, 2006|12:10 pm] |
|
So I'm moved in. It's nice. Peaceful. I'm somewhat of a DDR addict and defintly a WoW addict now. Only thing left s to bring the desktop here and I'll be set. Things are going well in the house with us. I'm having some problems with other people, but when haven't I? I'll always have at least one person, probably a guy, that won't get out of my head for one reason or another. At any rate for the most part things are wonderful. |
|
|
| quote |
[Mar. 4th, 2006|09:08 pm] |
"Do any of us, except in our dreams, truly expect to be reunited with our hearts' deepest loves, even when they leave us only for minutes, and on the most mundane of errands? No, not at all. Each time they go from our sight we in our secret hearts count them as dead. Having been given so much, we reason, how could we expect not to be brought as low as lucifer for the staggering presumption of our love?"
One of my Favorite quotes ever. And genereally how I feel after saying goodbye. When I hang up the phone, Watch that door close behind me, See that truck turn the corner, as that door closes in front of me....I don't ever expect to see him again. I wish I could have had just a few extra minutes at that moment. Just to tell him those last few sentences. Just to say I love you one more time. Just to make sure he knows how much he means to me. And to be reassured that he feels the same. At that moment I don't expect to ever be able to see him again. I think perhaps that's the most heartbreaking moment in time. The last milisecond before the door closes, and the last bit of light slips inside. The last glimpse of his face etched in my memory to never be forgotten. That skipped heartbeat and the frantic thoughts of what if and hoping that it's not the last time. That things won't change. hoping...maybe even praying that there will be a next time and trying like hell to reassure myself that everything will be ok.
Yes...definitely my favorite quote, and I could not have worded it better myself. |
|
|
| Amazing |
[Mar. 4th, 2006|09:07 pm] |
What do you say to the most amazing person you know? How do you show them how much they mean to you? What they've done for you, and to what lengths you'd go to for them? How do you express that you'd go to the ends of the earth if they asked you to? That all they needed to do was ask and you'd do it? With no hesitation.
Why? Isn't that more appropriate? Why you would do anything for them, and tell them such things? Because they mean so much to you. Simpley because you love them. |
|
|
| Bashers |
[Mar. 4th, 2006|09:04 pm] |
Life is so funny sometimes. And depressing. Blech. Well rather the people in it can be depressing. See I get all happy over certain facts I've aqcuired and talked about and said aaaaaaaand then my Mother and Spring(Yes you too...Butt face) say silly things that make me depressed. So you know what? Stop being realistic with me. ok? I'm very capable of being realistic and killing my hopes. I know what I'm doing, believe it or not I do. I'm not just wgining it here, I may be slightly insane but I'm not an idiot and I do think this shit out before I blurt it out. Especially when it can have such devastating conseuquences. For me and someone else. But ya know what? I told him. I don't care what anyone else thinks. Moving too fast? Says who? If I'm comfortable with how things are going, and he's comfortable with hwo things are going then it's not going too fast is it? so Nyah! Butt Faces and Poop Heads. All of you overly realistic hope bashers.
I hate you with love Spring dearest. Love the size of a brownie in your face. |
|
|
| Amazing Week |
[Feb. 25th, 2006|03:25 pm] |
|
Had an amazing week. No longer single. Am very happy. |
|
|
| Beginning of the Master of Past and Present. |
[Jan. 14th, 2006|09:15 pm] |
Bitter sarcasm hit with the sting of a poisoned tipped arrow. The hourglass eyes swept across the companions. The people he had grown up with. People he had known most of his life and yet it didn't matter. No remorse hit the man. No no remorse would hit this man. Not now...later...well that's another story.
Stunned the others were unsure of what to make of this man. Still young now, he was younger when he had taken his test, and by his presence he was known to have passed. Where many others had failed and died at older ages than this man he had passed. But certainly not unscathed. Those odd hourglass eyes saw nothing but death and decay with everything he looked upon. The future of all things would be death eventually and that was all that he had seen. This was the gift from head of his order. Par-Salian, the white robed mage, head of the conclave of wizards and proprieter of the tower of high sorcery in Wayrath. The reason? Well that's another story too.
The young mage was frail, even with his red robes, signifying he was neutral in his order, not of the evil black robes, nor of the good white robes. Thin and frail. His breathing shallow even as he just sat by the fire. A gold tint to his skin as the fire reflected off of him. Another side effect of the test he had endured in the Tower of high Sorcery. He could not run, he would run out of breath quickly, but this was no change from his childhood. He was always frail and thin. More so now that magic coursed through his veins, burning up what he ate. That and his ambitions burned it away as well. He pushed himself to learn, strove for power. He had disillusioned himself as a child. Wishing only to help those around him. Use his power for good, heal the wounded, fight for the weak. What childish gibber gabber that seemed like now. Something only a Solamnic knight would think of. A solamnic knight in his imbecilic code of honor. His gaze swept over Sturm Brightblade. A man now as well, someone he had known since his early childhood. Not a knight in actual rank, but one in his own mind. following the strict code of honor that the knights have to the letter. It disgusted the mage. Such foolish codes...
He sneered at the thought of all his suposed friends honor and order and good. He cared naught for honor nor good, nor evil. He cared merely for one thing. And that was power. He would be damned if he couldn't have it. He had paid for it already, paid for it all his life, in sweat and blood. cursed with death sight. He would have power no matter what the cost. No matter what it took. He had paid the price and now it was his turn to recive the power he deserved. Well not quite time yet but he would have his power. Just biding his time now. No more illusions of a child, but ambitions of a man. A glint came to the frail mage's eyes. Raistlin Majere would be one of the most feared and respected names on the continent of Ansalon...and one day all of Krynn. Little did he know that he would become the key to unlock the one other tower of High Sorcery left. The tower in Palanthas cursed now, would only open for the master of past and present. Raistlin Majere would become the master of past and present and show those who had tormented him. Oh yes they would fear him... |
|
|
| So did he. |
[Jan. 14th, 2006|09:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  complacent | ] |
Sorrow in the man's eyes. Only for an instant but it was unmistakably there. For a moment he cared. For a moment he told the truth. For a moment the window of truth was opened and you could see inside his soul. See that he really did love once. That it hurt and he couldn't handle it. That his strength was just a facade and that he really wasn't as strong as he always acted. That pain was in his soul, tearing him apart, tearing his heart apart and that was something he had to avoid. Something he had to avoid because he was grown up now, he didn't cry anymore because crying was weak and he couldn't do that anymore. That he was afraid of that weakness, that beneath his tough facade, and his burning anger, and his hate, there was pain. That you caused that pain and he wanted no part of it. He wanted to be in control of everything, he didn't want to feel something like that ever again. Not after what had happened so long ago.
So for a moment you saw everything and you understood why it was happening. why he did that to you. That it may have hurt you but he hurt far worse. Now you know it all and you understand and now it's really time to let go, now that you know the pain you've caused. It's time to say goodbye to those feelings, lock them away and just be there for a friend. If that's what he needed. If that's what he wanted. So as you battled yourself over your lust and longing the truth is...so did he. The whole time...so did he. |
|
|
| New Year |
[Dec. 31st, 2005|10:12 pm] |
|
It seems we ring in this new year with sorrow and heavy hearts. Knowing what is to come before it happens. So we grudingly trudge forward, knowing deep in our hearts that happiness doesn't always last. Even if we don't want to believe, and tell others not to.Even though we know we cannot change what is to come, but merely to face it head on and hope that out of the ashes of the crumbling buildings, in the dying embers of the fire, in the coffins we bury, that perhaps there is still hope for a better future. For more hope, more beauty, more love and compassion. More kisses and hugs, more "I love yous" And less "goodbyes". That we'll be able to hold each other in our arms and know for fact, not trying to convince ourselves that everything will be ok.That we'll be able to save those on the verge of death, that we won't lose the ones we care about. That the end won't come as swift as it has previously. We hope for a day when Mother Nature in all her fury will not injure, or kill the innocent among us. That guns will be put away and family brought home for good. That threats will not be needed, fighting will not cause mass deaths. Religion will not cause so much hurt, and so many will not lose their faith, but renew it in the spirit of hope. Love will be never-ending and loss will not be so painful. That we'll have the strength to say goodbye when the time is right, not at a time when war, pestilence and famine plagues those around us. That those who have will give to others who do not have. That peace will not be a dream but a true reality that can be seen and heard everyday. That no matter what anyone says you will know in your own heart, that love is around you everday, losing a loved one will not hurt so much because it was truly their time, no child goes hungry or dies from cold, everyone has what they need to live happy, Peace is reality, war is a fading nightmare, death something that occurs naturally, disease has a cure no matter how fatal, Life is really seen as being precious as it truly is, and there will always be dreams that can come true. Always be love to make that hope and belief to make dreams become reality. So with sorrow and heavy hearts we trudge on with the hope of all this, and even if we do not live to see it, he hope, we pray, we dream, we fight, and we work for all those dreams to become reality for the future. Even though we begin the year grudgingly trudging through knowing what is to come, and what it is we need to work towards. |
|
|
| Time to let go. |
[Nov. 20th, 2005|08:48 pm] |
It's time and you know it. You know it's past. You should've already done it. Said it, did it, been done with it all. It's hard and it's not a choice made easily. Trust me I know. I've been there through it all. It's time now dear boy. It's time to let go. It's time to let go. Let go of that lost love. You'll never find it in the same place again. I know it and so do you. you'll never have the love you had here before so let it go and let it be. Let it be a calm and sweet goodbye. Maybe just a farewell for now and friends for later. Coffee talk at Panera. There will always be those memories. whther from the mall, Panera, the car, heh. You'll remember them all for a long tim eot come and you know it.
You'll never forget all those good times you had with him and you still love him ebcause he was the first who truly cared. he opened a whole new world for you and now you need to go and take it. It's time you stopped hoping for that little bit of love and go out and find it anew. You can find something much better, much stronger than what you hope to get in return. He's merely a friend now, accept that and you'll do just fine lad. Besides...you'll always have those memories. That's right...cry it out for now dear boy....cry it ou for now. I know you don't want to let go and you wanna hang on til the end fof time but it's time ye stopped and looked about. Took a good look at what's going on around ye. Take yerself out of this reverie.
Walking in blind faith and just hoping. Now now...that's enough of that. Don't get angry because you know it's the truth. You need to let go and it's time you do so. He'll never be gone for good even if saying goodbye is for the better, and I sure as hell think so, it's your life and you need to make that decision. You and I both know what you should do, so now this time should becomes need to. Go ahead and cry and be sad about it. I know you'll miss it, all the good times, and thos ememories will jsut make you cry for a while but it's all for the best dear...all for the best
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you happen to read this, all of this. I commend you wholeheartedly. It's one of the oddest things I've written. It was to me from me. And ye sI was crying during writing it. So yes...it's time to just let go....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One more try...maybe just one more try for me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ive had enough of danger
People on the streets
Im looking out for Angels
Just tryin to find some peace
I think its time
That you let me know
So if you love me,say you love me
But if you dont just let me go
Cuz teacher there are things that I dont want to learn
And the last one I had made me cry
So I dont wanna learn to hold you,touch you
I think that your mine
Becuz there aint no joy
For an uptown boy
Whos teacher has told him Good bye..Goodbye...Goodbye
When you were just a stranger
And I was at your feet
I didnt feel the danger
Now I feel the heat
That look in your eyes
Tellin me no
So you think that you love me
Know that you need me
I wrote this song,I know its wrong,Just let me go
Teacher there are things that I dont want to learn
And the last one I had made me cry
So I dont wanna learn to hold you,touch you
I think that your mine
Cuz there aint no joy
For an uptown boy
Whos teacher has told him Goodbye
So when you say that you need me
That you'll never leave me
I know your wrong,your not that strong
Let me go
Teacher there are things that I still have to learn
But the one thing I have
Is my pride
Oh so I dont wanna learn to hold you,touch you
I think that your mine
Becuz there aint no joy
For an uptown boy
Who just isnt willing to try
Im so cold Inside
Maybe Just one more try
-Teacher-----George Michael
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
that's our song. John and Jason. Aye. I'll always remember that song for being our song. Yeh I know I'm rambling but I'm afraid to close it. Becaus eif I close i, and post it, it will mean it out there. It's over. I've said it all. I'm done and that's it. I'm afraid of that. The onl yperson I ever loved, safeground. Leaving that and letting go is the worst. Most definitly...Yeh. Man. So I'm sorry for rambling, if you even read this far. Heh. Jess and Lan will have no doubt. Manda and Mel and Ri and Jase prolly too but I don't know who else. Those are just the ones I know who will read, if not comment at the very least. So thanks to you guys in advance if you do comment. Much love.
No more tries....I'm so cold and there are no more tries. |
|
|
| Nothign comes close |
[Nov. 14th, 2005|08:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
How can someone be so consumed with another person? How can one be so smitten with a person? How? Why?
No matter where I am my thoughts drift back to him. No matter what it is. No matter where I am nor matter what I' doing my thoguhts always go back to him. All it takes is one little thing. One word. One sound. One smell. One place. One recalled emmory and I'm flooded in a sea of memories. Not all pleasant but there nonetheless. One little thing and I'm ina sea of past memories and emotions. Thrashing around trying to get to the surface.
He consumes a whole place in my brain. That's all I can think of. He must. Or at least thoguhts of him because they're always there. No matter what. No matter how I feel about him at the time or how he feels about me those thoughts and emotions are there to taunt me. how does this happen? and why? why HIM of all people to take up residence in my mind.
Someone do perverse. So contradictory and hypocritical. Someone so mean, evil, cold-hearted, calculating, distant, devious, there is a plethera of things I could use here. how is it possible that somenoe like this takes up so much room in my mind...my heart?
Perhaps it's becaus eI know how he can be. Not how is usually is. I know what most have never seen of him. Gentle, Kind, Caring, Loving, In love....happy. It's odd how such things can occupy the same person and how another person can bring those things out.
Just as I bring out the good things in hmi, he brings out the worst in me. My sadistic side. My evil, hatred, torturous, treacherous, hypocritical, cynical, mean. maniacal, insane, side.
How? Becaus ehtta's the way we are. I believ he said once. "We're masochists for each other" I think he's right. we do things to one another unintentionally that we don't want to have done to us. He doesn't want to caer, I do. that what it comes down to. With him around there's little I can care about. Only those closest to me. I've been like that for quite some time. Why? Because he plagues my thoguhts long after he is gone. It's off to see us together. I can only imagine what Mel or Jase or Ri would say or think if they had been present last week and after hearing all I've had to say through the past year with him.
He means so much to me. I wish he dind't but he does. I need him. I wish I didn't, but I do. It bugs me. I fucking hate it to be more exact. but it's the truth. Now any of you can say "You don't NEED anyone. You just think you do." For me that is untrue. I'm lost without him. I've tried going on without talking to him. I've ignored him. Bitched at him. Pissed him off, been as meanas I could to him and I couldn't get him out of my mind. I wasn't sorry for what I had said and did. I was glad. Because he didn't care. Or didn't seem to anyway. I gues sI'll never know if he did, or even does. If it's just another big game to im. I'll never know but I do know I need him. And I need answers. Simple as that.
....simple as that...We've all got our own paths right? One's we must follow on our own. Obstacles ot overcome and the like. I suppose this is mine. My largest obstacle I think in life itself. I can't imkagine anything will be as bad as this. to plague my thoughts before I sleep, to plague them in my waking moments. To go through the day going through various scenarios in my head. New ones I've made up and old ones that have already played through. I can't imagine anything will ever plague me, or infect me, like he did. No...this is what I will always remember from my teenage years. Being plagued with a love/hate relationship. Needing somenoe who probably never needed me or wanted me. That's something I'll always remember. Nothing els eI go through will be harder than having to deal with this. Except for perhaps...saynig goodbye.
I've been through alot. A hell of alot. Left my home for nearly four months. Why? Because someone who was supposed to love me unconditionally decided that being gay wasn't part of her plan. That God, in his almighty wisdom and forgiveness wouldn't accept me for being what I was. For being me, for not changing. Simple as that. She couldn't take it and dind't want to deal with it. There's more to expand on of course. how it would effect her in the long run. what people would think of her. How people would decide if I'm gay that must mean she's a bad mother. Or has a secret of her own that she never told and passed on. Who knows truly what she thought?
I've watched people battle cancer. I've watched people battle drugs. Alchohol. I've watched people abttle other people. I saw the bruises my Mother had. I heard stories of what happened between her and my father. I heard what my grandfather did. I heard what my gradnmother did. I was told in horrific detail what my Father would do to my Mother. I was told what my Mother was forced to give. Forced to give up a miracel that I've never met becasue of my Grandfather. I've watche dpeople wither away. I still watch it now. I've watched people go in and out of hospitals. In and out of sanity. I've watched people take their lives.
the most recent. I saw the scene where my Mother tried ot take her life. I saw the makeshift noose. The pill bottles. The chair the pipe the moved furniture to accomadate. I've heard the story and I've seen the anger. The danger, the loss of sanity.
These are jsut a few things I've seena dn heard. Things I've missed out on. And none of them came or come close to what I battle to this day. None of them. So I can't imagine there will be anything harder than what I face day in and day out with him. No....not much of anything.
so there's my nice long shpeel. I've spilled out my thoughts, my emotions and my heart. I've opened up a bit to all of you. And just to let you know. This is too damn big for me to go back and fix the typos so yeh...sorry but you're going to have to deal with the typos.
Much love and congrats if you've read this far. Even more love if you |
|
|
| The Obstacle |
[Nov. 8th, 2005|09:17 pm] |
|
Life is a giant game. Chess perhaps. One can never win the game because the rules are ever changing. Some people are pieces, some motivate pieces, take the pieces out of play, put them back in play, demote them and promote them. An obstacle It hought I was over is there once more. Standing in my path. I know I cannot win the game, nor can I lose as it is for everyone. The obstacle that stands before me made me what I am today. More than any experience or person in my life previous. This obstacle shaped who I am. I was molded and formed and now I am a shell of the obstacle. I am complex on the inside. Simple on the out. You can try to understand me, think you understand me but you don't. There are few who truly understand all of my complexities. This obstacle is one of them. The obstacle is an illusion as well. Something not true though I want it to be so much. Such hatred yet such love. How does one act in such a situation. Even when the obstacle is as confused as you are. things are difficult and complex. My talk wiht the obstacle did me well but the closing of the night made me ponder my own actions. My worth, my beliefs, my certainties. Things I was sure about I have to doubt now. The obstacle? What is it? An old friend. That is all you need to know. Those of you who know the friend know the situation. Those of you who don't truly know what's going on. I tell you now to back off and don't try to understand what's going on. Even those who do know what's going on don't fully understand. Don't comfort me or act as if you kow what's going on because only about 5 people know it truly. One more that could understand if I told her. this time though I won't send her into a world of my troubles again when she has enough of her own. Her experience with the git was more than enough to last a lifetime. I'm sorry dear but this one I think you should sit out on. This one is closer to home and heart. This one is a pain and sorrow so immense it is all consuming. So here I am again, lost but not alone as it were. This time my obstacle walks with me in the darkness of confusion, pain, sorrow, misunderstanding, and love. This is a journey I must take with only one person. A journey of understanding. Yes. It is the hardest thing I wil have to do so far. So wish me luck, a fond farewell and perhaps a small blessing. |
|
|
| Teacher-George Michael |
[Oct. 26th, 2005|09:24 pm] |
Ive had enough of danger
People on the streets
Im looking out for Angels
Just tryin to find some peace
I think its time
That you let me know
So if you love me,say you love me
But if you dont just let me go
Cuz teacher there are things that I dont want to learn
And the last one I had made me cry
So I dont wanna learn to hold you,touch you
I think that your mine
Becuz there aint no joy
For an uptown boy
Whos teacher has told him Good bye..Goodbye...Goodbye
When you were just a stranger
And I was at your feet
I didnt feel the danger
Now I feel the heat
That look in your eyes
Tellin me no
So you think that you love me
Know that you need me
I wrote this song,I know its wrong,Just let me go
Teacher there are things that I dont want to learn
And the last one I had made me cry
So I dont wanna learn to hold you,touch you
I think that your mine
Cuz there aint no joy
For an uptown boy
Whos teacher has told him Goodbye
So when you say that you need me
That you'll never leave me
I know your wrong,your not that strong
Let me go
Teacher there are things that I still have to learn
But the one thing I have
Is my pride
Oh so I dont wanna learn to hold you,touch you
I think that your mine
Becuz there aint no joy
For an uptown boy
Who just isnt willing to try
Im so cold Inside
Maybe Just one more try
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why?! Why the fuck did it happen? Why now? Why again? Will it end? Will it stop? Will I ever overcome? Gods I hate myself. |
|
|
| Pointless |
[Oct. 4th, 2005|04:25 pm] |
|
Why bother with feelings when at some point they're going to be torn out of you? Ripped out and thrown down to be stomped on. That's all that's going to happen. Just like your heart. So instead of wasting away your time and energy on emotions why don't you just go and do what you really want? Love is useless anyway. It never lasts. Never. It ends at some poitn and that's how it will always be. So fuck emotions. Go fuck whoever you want and don't get attached. It's useless getting attached when you're just going to end up getting hurt anyway. Fuck it, |
|
|
| Yeh... |
[Aug. 13th, 2005|11:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | apathetic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Talking | ] |
Yeh. Update. Woo. Look at me go. Anyway. so here I am in NYC and stuff. Nassau county, Hempstead, Elmont to be exact. Yeh. K. That was fun?
So it's been fun thus far. There has been pouncing and molestation and the likes. Manda is funny, she amkes Silly noises. Quite the cook as well. Ri made a desert made mostly of coffee. Bad idea? Haha. Yeh. Me coffee lots bad. Hyper cal=Bouncy and perky.
On to a more serious note. Ever notice how being serious takes so much more effort han just being fun? I guess that's why I'm so bouncy and hyper and such a wise ass mst of the time. It's just easier. Feelings get pushed aside for the sake o fhaving fun. I woulnd't have it any other way mind you. *nods* It's much more enjoyable.
I'm avoiding thinking about a few things. Not such a bad thing considering. Yeh. Life's a bitch and likes to hit my on the head with curve balls and see just how far it can push me before I end up getting hurt or just failing miserably at whatever it is I wish to be doing. Mhmm. Ye.h Fuckiing life. So now I'm done rambling. Might get another update later, mght not. Dunno. Much love. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
johnf's journal